Hawke muckity muck
by Enchanter T.I.M
Summary: A normal day for Hawke usually involves friendly banter, good drink and intriguing dialog...sadly someone forget to tell that to a certain author.


**A/N:Little quick exercise to get me back into writing since ME3 has eaten up my entire spring break. Also feel free to put out typos and weird grammar cause lord knows I don't notice em. Enjoy.**

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><p>The battleground was caked with blood and fallen warriors that put up a brave fight against their target, but were proven ineffective against her blades. Standing in the distance was Oya Hawke wiping blood off her face charging off into the distance.<p>

"You think you bested me here? Don't you know IM the famed Champion of Kirkwall! Have at ye!"

She ran off into the distance only to be met by a blank barren area. Looking around in a confused manner she looked toward us with a meek look.

"Wheres the scenery? Sorry but whoever is in charge could you perhaps put something up please?"

Walking to the side off screen, as the Giant ink quill did its work, Hawke looked at her nails going over the dirt underneath until the scene was ready. Jumping back into action she kicked down a door with sword drawn into the sunlight.

"Have at ye villains, you shall sample my...blade?" She yelled viciously only to see chickens scrambling about from her feet and onto the grassy fields of her Lothering farm home. Looking to her right she saw a cow munching at grass with a bored look.

"Allllright. Wherever this is going now better be coherent to our audience." Walking behind the now seemingly barn doors Hawke emerged in a country girls clothes of short shorts and a a tied up linen shirt showing off her stomach. Walking off towards the chickens she began to sing a little ditty.

"Malcome Hawke he had a farm~ E-I-E-I-O~ And on that farm he had an COLD!"

Hawke stopped right in her tracks noticing the surroundings changed yet again from a warm farm land into a cold hazardous tundra. Wrapping her arms around her frame for warmth Hawke looked back over to the giant quill with an annoyed look.

"Would it be too much to ask if we could make up our mind? Hmm?" She asked walking away off screen trying not to sneeze.

A few moments later she emerged in winter gear driving a slide being pulled by her faithful Mabari. Things were seemingly well as went over snow like it was glass.

Hawke in particular was happy with the cool breeze wiping a drop of sweat off her brow. Stopping to realize her coat wasn't that warm to begin with she looked around to notice, yet again, the area was now a lush tropical paradise in Seheron with Fog warriors eyeing the mysterious woman. Hawke looked annoyed at us with an unreadable face before leading the Mabari off screen to change her assemble for the umpteenth time.

Walking back she was wearing a bikini top and silk tied at the hip skirt. She planned to soak up the suddenly warm weather heading to a beach until yet again the scene changed again to a blank area filled with nothing.

Stopping to palm her hand to a forming headache she looked over to this mysterious person with annoyance written in her eyes.

"Look here Serah, if you haven't noticed this is a story about heroes in the Dragon Age and this story involves lots of fighting, magic, romance with anyone that moves, oh," During her pause Hawke didn't notice the kneaded eraser wiping away at her toes steadily going up"And this little thing called scenery. And I have to say in all my time-"

Before she could finish Hawke vanished into the scene leaving nothing behind.

"Yes, yes this is all fun in games, but care to put me back!"

The quill came back drawing Hawke again this time in mages' clothes and an ample bust on her chest. Looking past the obvious endowments on her, Hawke flexed her fingers to emit flames at her fingers.

Feeling giddy at never doing such a thing she looked off into the distance to notice a Danarius dummy with a large target on its chest. Throwing a fireball at the flammable effigy sent out a mighty explosion that deafened the area...if there was any sound that matched the wind blowing Hawke's robes up.

Looking mighty irritated Hawke used her new found magic to make words appear out of pure light saying 'Sound please!'

As soon as she flicked her hands the flames came back on with that burning sound you always associate with fire pits. Noticing she could also hear her own breathing Hawke let loose another fireball only to hear unexpectedly..."

"Pffffffffffffffflllllllp!"

Trying another fireball thinking it had something to do with the new hearing or if fireballs always sounded like that. "Yah yee! Yaweeeh!"

Hawke was not amused in the slightest before turning back towards us voicing her concerns only to hear out of her mouth.

"Oooh oh ohoooh ahahahaha ah!"

Closing her mouth shut with both hands she looked surprised and sheepish opening it up again to hear.

"Enchantment!"

Knowing her anger was full blown she was jumping up and down with fists as hands yelling what could be called as obscenities but only as this.

" Gouaaaah! Gougo ogu goug ougou gloough ghoough and I have never been so humiliated in all my life!"

Hearing her voice made her drop her hands to her side still holding that angry and bewildered look that bordered on insanity.

"Look here buster why don't you try to get organized and put up some proper scenery here so we can continue, hmm?" As she was speaking the quill went to work on making a modest market done in ink with a smiley sun in the background making Hawke over look that but at the more finer lines in the building work.

"I dare say you did a fair good job in making all this dandy, but it needs color."

Without warning a giant paintbrush rubbed itself on Hawke making her look like the makeup rag off a whores face who just 'cleaned up' for the night.

"Not on me you slop artist! Fix this up at once!" The kneaded eraser appeared wiping away the mistakes including Hawke leaving only her eyes and mouth.

"Ha ha ha, wheres the rest of me?"

The paint brush emerged again painting back Hawke or rather a very muscular man version of her who didnt notice the change.

"It's not like I'm not being mean but there are certain rules you have to abide in telling a good story. Not let your best drugged friend with the penance of a toddler get a hold of the tools. By the way."

Hawke turns around looking at HIS surroundings with a amused look. "I have to say you did a fine job bringing me back, but I do feel rather...taller than before and my chin feels all itchy. I mean I'm fairly sure I was tall for a woman but it just feels weird like I'm not myself you know?"

As Hawke turns around a street corner HE stops to look into a giant mirror that showed HIM off in a nice scruffy beard with a red gash across HIS nose in the Amell house robes. Letting out a girlish shriek no man would scream Hawke puts HIS hands on HIS hips looking right huffy.

"I get it that I'm a man! Now change me back you nug humper!"

Again the paintbrush goes back to work bringing back a very Feminine Hawke dressed in seafaring gear akin to Isabella being modest.

"Hmmmm it's been awhile since I was on a sailing voyage. Perhaps it'll be fun this time."

The paintbrush worked behind her setting up the scenery with a little Island.

"Or perhaps a raunchy love story about the dread pirate Hawke and her infamous lover the General Fenris who captures her during a raid for some questioning?"

The brush is now working on the ocean part around Hawke without her noticing.

"Maybe this time I'll have a happy time and he wont leave me on the first night...again?"

Hawke dropped into the water like a dead rock not coming back for air, but in an amazing show of speed made it to the Island in the background coughing up a storm and looking mighty pissed.

"Hey the viewers can't see me if I'm this far away. Give me a close up. Move closer!"

The area grew pure black outlining Hawke in her area so everyone can focus on here even the viewers.

"This is a close up?...A close up you sodding blighter bastard! A close up!"

At her words the scene zoomed in fast in front of Hawke's eyes, with murder written in them, only to have her walk away for better view of her.

"Thanks for the sour apples on that job. Now look here if you were able to -Ouch!"

Hawke felt a giant black blob hit her head before holding it up with a stick that was conveniently drawn. "Alright as I was saying."

Before she could get a word in edge wise the stick snaps letting loose the blob to totally fall on her. Hawke tried to get up but the blob seemed to get heavier pushing her back down. In what appeared to be a losing battle Hawke finally snapped ripping the blob to pieces in an errantic fury mixed with anger and possibly claustrophobia. As she looked on the shredded pieces inhaling deeply with one blob dangling in front of her, she ripped it off before looking at the unknown artist with a manaic look.

"Alright...lets get this story started."

THE END

"NO! NO!" Hawked shouted jumping and stabbing at the words above her in an attempt to steer this drowning boat to safe shores. Getting her bearings right Hawke relaxed herself before addressing the funny meddler.

"Alright then Serah lets discuss this in a sane matter. You go do things your way and Ill do things my way to help steer this little epic along. Bygones be begones yes?"

At this point there couldn't be any harm done so let us proceed.

"Good then..now in my first act I am going to find some thieves to dispatch." She muttered while walking off to her left, only to reappear in the same room as before.

Confused at this weird time loop Hawke walked off again only this time she turned around at the last minute bumping into someone.

"Hey watch it where you're going!" A familiar voice rang as Hawked looked up to see herself looking angry and dressed in Mage clothes.

"Great. Another version of me."

"Thats rude seeing as your the other version that looks like a whore dipped in oil wash."

"I for one do not like the tone in your voice..."

"Well get used to it!"

Before this Mage Hawke could shove her fist of the maker down the other Hawke's face, the kneaded eraser appeared taking away the wet Hawke leaving a very confused Mage staring at the nothing.

Within a second the paintbrush appeared repainting the scene in an intimate bedroom with candles and flowers and Fenris lounging on the bed. Feeling both surprised and both weary Hawke noticed the brush come near her painting on a naughty teddy bear nightgown on her. Without taking any cue Hawke jumped into the bed kissing Fenris' brains out underneath the covers where two lumps of consenting adults were gonna make some real magic. That is until Hawke popped her head out with disheveled hair.

"I'm very sorry but we're going to end this right here. So be a good lad and cover your eyes."

"Yes I'm very sure we would like some alone if time not that be too much trouble." squeaked a voice that sounded nothing like Fenris' smooth baritones. Hawke looked down to witness a very sheepish Sebastian looking up at her with a very naughty grin.

Without saying another word Hawke let loose a giant fireball, forgetting her distance, exploding on impact the weary being and the entire room. Coughing up a storm in her now singed nighty Hawke looked forward with murder in her eyes.

"Alright..enough is enough! This is the final the, very very last straw! Who are you! Who is responsible for this bog shagged version of a story! Huh? I demand you to show yourself, you two bit author."

As Hawke rampaged on in her little rant she didn't notice the pages of a book slamming shut on her. The hands on this book had the same quill and paintbrush before settling the book down onto a table with other written pages. The person writing was a very handsome dwarf, that had chest hair to die for, looking over his shoulder towards his audience.

"Ain't I a stinker?"

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><p><strong>AN: Heh always did have a soft spot for Daffy. Thats all folks!**


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